I had an epiphany.
Talking with my sister abroad, I came to the realization of who I think I am and who I think I want to be. And it starts with this.
Distance no matter how we feign it, changes us as individuals, as persons in the relationships that we have. We try to ignore it. We put it in the back of our minds, saying it wont happen. Things will always be the same, stay the same. Trusting that we've known each other forever but alas, it wont. Little by little, barely noticeable at first but it happens. What once was so easy, gets a little difficult to do.
I felt it happen to us. To me and my family. I didn't acknowledge it at first. I admit that the person that I am, when the going gets tough, I retreat, I disconnect. I put up walls around me. For as long as my determination wills it, my wall stands. The strongest, unbreakable. But what am I really getting at here? Well like I've said I noticed this before but never really thought anything of it. This discomfort that I had when talking with my family. I don't know why but looking back I attributed it to the distance, to the experience of not seeing each other on a daily basis, of not being able interact as often as we used to.
But therein lies the conflict, come on its family. It should be easy as pie. Talking with my little sister opened my eyes. It used to be that I could tell her everything. I'd even get/give hugs. We'd talk about the shit in our lives, our darkest secrets and fears and laugh about it. We didn't have the perfect brother and sister relationship but the respect was there. I really valued that. Only yesterday on the phone with her, I found myself filtering things. Words, feelings. I don't know why but I could tell there was barrier between us. An alienation of some sort. And it was there, clear as day. I recognized the sensation of me shielding myself happening. There was no conflict, no argument of some sort that should've triggered me to do so but it was there. I could feel it on her end as well. And now looking back it was the same with the others, with mom, dad, and my other sister. It frustrates me. That mild discomfort shouldn't even be there in the first place. But why did it exist for no reason?
I have seen this happen before often with people who I haven't spoken to for long periods of time. and when I do, I get this internal conflict to reach out and maybe reconnect with them again in that same level but also often I pull back. Vulnerability scares the shit out of me. I don't like appearing weak even in front of others. Its automatic, I should be strong. I'm always OK. I leave things the way they are. Unspoken.
Saying I love you shouldn't be as awkward or difficult especially with family.
With these feelings I was able to reflect on things, and I came up with this. I guess on the bottom of it all. I'm just afraid of being judged and rejected. Of people seeing something in me that they wont like, something not right. So I conform to the traditional. I'll show you that I am strong. That regardless of who, where and when, I can stand on my own. I think at some point most people are like this. We just fail to admit it. We're scared to show how fucked up we really are on the inside because we know there's hell to pay for it. Losing in the form of our love ones seeing us in a different light, thinking they might love and respect us a little less afterwards, I think that is the reason for this. And I guess that's OK. I really do understand things now. But unlike before, I intend to do something about it.
I guess it'll always be a question of how much do you want it?
What are you willing to forsake to get things back?.
The person who wrote of pride being the biggest sin was definitely right in doing so. Cause ultimately it stops us from doing the things we should do. So I say fuck it. Next time, I'll throw caution to the wind. I wont be afraid to feel anymore, wont be afraid to express. I will say what I wanna say. Especially to the people that matter to me. Because frankly, life wont wait. Every second I dedicate to being selfish, thinking about myself is a second lost forever. So next time, I'll reach out, be naked (metaphorically speaking that is) because now is the only thing that matters. Leave tomorrow to tomorrow. Because what are we but fleeting moments right? Once gone, there's no turning back. So I wanna spend all those precious moments, making mistakes, learning from them, dedicating them to letting the ones I care for know how much I love them and how important they are to me. Because what is being naked if in return they realize these things and we can move on to whats really essential. Making memories that last. Making the days count. Being happy. I wanna seize the day. Because nothing lasts forever. I have to make every moment count. :)
I think I got a little lost there. ;) Essentially I just wanna be true to myself and to what I wanna say. I wanna bridge this invisible distance with my family and those that I love. To heck with being vulnerable. If that's what it takes to make the people I love understand then that's what I'll do. Cause I want my life to mean something. I get it now. I can't be selfish. This is what it means to live for others.
Talking with my sister abroad, I came to the realization of who I think I am and who I think I want to be. And it starts with this.
Distance no matter how we feign it, changes us as individuals, as persons in the relationships that we have. We try to ignore it. We put it in the back of our minds, saying it wont happen. Things will always be the same, stay the same. Trusting that we've known each other forever but alas, it wont. Little by little, barely noticeable at first but it happens. What once was so easy, gets a little difficult to do.
I felt it happen to us. To me and my family. I didn't acknowledge it at first. I admit that the person that I am, when the going gets tough, I retreat, I disconnect. I put up walls around me. For as long as my determination wills it, my wall stands. The strongest, unbreakable. But what am I really getting at here? Well like I've said I noticed this before but never really thought anything of it. This discomfort that I had when talking with my family. I don't know why but looking back I attributed it to the distance, to the experience of not seeing each other on a daily basis, of not being able interact as often as we used to.
But therein lies the conflict, come on its family. It should be easy as pie. Talking with my little sister opened my eyes. It used to be that I could tell her everything. I'd even get/give hugs. We'd talk about the shit in our lives, our darkest secrets and fears and laugh about it. We didn't have the perfect brother and sister relationship but the respect was there. I really valued that. Only yesterday on the phone with her, I found myself filtering things. Words, feelings. I don't know why but I could tell there was barrier between us. An alienation of some sort. And it was there, clear as day. I recognized the sensation of me shielding myself happening. There was no conflict, no argument of some sort that should've triggered me to do so but it was there. I could feel it on her end as well. And now looking back it was the same with the others, with mom, dad, and my other sister. It frustrates me. That mild discomfort shouldn't even be there in the first place. But why did it exist for no reason?
I have seen this happen before often with people who I haven't spoken to for long periods of time. and when I do, I get this internal conflict to reach out and maybe reconnect with them again in that same level but also often I pull back. Vulnerability scares the shit out of me. I don't like appearing weak even in front of others. Its automatic, I should be strong. I'm always OK. I leave things the way they are. Unspoken.
Saying I love you shouldn't be as awkward or difficult especially with family.
With these feelings I was able to reflect on things, and I came up with this. I guess on the bottom of it all. I'm just afraid of being judged and rejected. Of people seeing something in me that they wont like, something not right. So I conform to the traditional. I'll show you that I am strong. That regardless of who, where and when, I can stand on my own. I think at some point most people are like this. We just fail to admit it. We're scared to show how fucked up we really are on the inside because we know there's hell to pay for it. Losing in the form of our love ones seeing us in a different light, thinking they might love and respect us a little less afterwards, I think that is the reason for this. And I guess that's OK. I really do understand things now. But unlike before, I intend to do something about it.
I guess it'll always be a question of how much do you want it?
What are you willing to forsake to get things back?.
The person who wrote of pride being the biggest sin was definitely right in doing so. Cause ultimately it stops us from doing the things we should do. So I say fuck it. Next time, I'll throw caution to the wind. I wont be afraid to feel anymore, wont be afraid to express. I will say what I wanna say. Especially to the people that matter to me. Because frankly, life wont wait. Every second I dedicate to being selfish, thinking about myself is a second lost forever. So next time, I'll reach out, be naked (metaphorically speaking that is) because now is the only thing that matters. Leave tomorrow to tomorrow. Because what are we but fleeting moments right? Once gone, there's no turning back. So I wanna spend all those precious moments, making mistakes, learning from them, dedicating them to letting the ones I care for know how much I love them and how important they are to me. Because what is being naked if in return they realize these things and we can move on to whats really essential. Making memories that last. Making the days count. Being happy. I wanna seize the day. Because nothing lasts forever. I have to make every moment count. :)
I think I got a little lost there. ;) Essentially I just wanna be true to myself and to what I wanna say. I wanna bridge this invisible distance with my family and those that I love. To heck with being vulnerable. If that's what it takes to make the people I love understand then that's what I'll do. Cause I want my life to mean something. I get it now. I can't be selfish. This is what it means to live for others.
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